What should I do to make my wife let me access her phone?


Q: I have been married for nine years. My main problem is my wife’s phone, which she won’t let me access. She has locked it with a password, which I have tried to ask her to unlock, but she won’t. Is she hiding something? I have a password on my phone because of the sensitive work documents I have in it – and as you know, the husband is the head of the home. She is my wife; she shouldn’t have that password in the first place. What should I do to make her let me have access to her phone? We had an argument over this and it is creating distance between us.

A: From the way you phrase yourself, one can tell that there are issues in this marriage beyond the password problem. You think it is okay to protect your phone because you are the man of the house and your wife needn’t know your business; but when your wife does the same you accuse her of hiding things and demand access because you are the husband? Why would you lock yours and want her to open hers? We all get back what we give.

Please know that marriage feels safest when there is full transparency from both partners. True intimacy is built on a shared trust and respect that requires vulnerability. Also remember that you are equal partners in your marriage, and that you are both human beings who feel the same pain and frustrations.

You say that she may be hiding information from you. This might be true – but she may be innocent and simply locking her phone because you are locking yours. Either way, this is an issue that you both need to handle as it is creating a lot of mistrust, and no marriage that can survive a lack of trust. You need to be open and honest in your communication. It is therefore key you have a talk and express to her how this affects your feelings of safety and trust in the relationship.

While you may not know what she is doing on her phone, you do know that she is guarding a part of her life from you, which creates the lack of trust. As you discuss, I suggest that you talk with her clearly about your need to feel safely connected to her in the union.

Please do not focus on WHAT she may be hiding, as that speculation will only create more distance between you. In case she tells you that she locks her phone because you also do the same, then you either leave your phone locked and drop the issue forever, or let her have access to yours as well. My best wishes.


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